“Everything you are passionate about has been created within you for a reason.”
It is such an absurd yet fulfilling moment to step out of your teens. I have always loved books and paint so very much. So very much. I remember reading Mark of Athena, a book I had borrowed from my best friend during durga puja of 2013. To be honest with you, I have no clue what was in that book, I couldn’t even tell you my favourite parts from that book. I just know that book was the only thing that kept me distracted from the whirlwind that I was in. I however had to return that book, and like any book lover, no matter how many books you borrow and read, you do want your fav books with you, close to you. I was obviously not earning at that time and I couldn’t even think about asking my mother to buy me a 700/800 rs book when I could see her going to my tuition teachers asking them to help me with my studies. Because even if all failed in life, she would walk the last mile to make sure I got the best of education and any help I needed. I won’t lie, I felt so out of place when at the end of the month all of my friends would pay our teacher and I had nothing.
And, if it comes wrong to any one reading, I would love to stress here, that I love and adore my mother for doing everything she did and did not do. But it is okay for a 13 year old to face everything all at once and be scared. I remember not being able to go to movies with my friends and if I had the chance to go to one Avengers movie once a year, I would take hours to find the cheapest movie ticket and ask my friends if they could go to that place instead of a 3D movie ticket in South City. I do not complain, you will realise more of it when you go to the end of this small writeup.
I also recall some of my friends making fun of me because I wore the same pair of shoes every time I went out, I remember how angry I became and how I lashed out one day. Again, there is not a single bit of me which feels my friends were wrong, we were all kids, we all say different things and it is okay. I remember talking to myself the entire way home that I am going to fix everything one day. I knew it would take me yeaaaaars to go back to normal, but it would happen cause I knew i tried so much. I missed my school excursion the first time cause again, I knew, even if I cried for hours and threw a tantrum in front of my mother, she couldn’t send me. I have always gone back to my father at the end of the day and cried, laughed, complained and I did not know how to do that with myself any more. I vividly remember the places I went and sat by myself planning things out slowly and telling myself it is okay to miss out on things now, cause the world is so much bigger and that there is so much more coming my way.
I remember going to the lovely training institute in my first year of college in Park Street and on the way staring at the Starbucks window, looking at people working on their laptop or reading a book and sipping on some fancy coffee and thinking to myself that I would be there too someday I just needed to hustle a little more. If only someone could go back in time to tell that little idiot cuttie (haha) that it is all going to be fine so soon. That she could go to all the movies she wanted to, she could buy all the paint she wanted, fill her bookshelves once more. And, more importantly, not just for herself, she wouldn’t feel helpless anymore, that she could give back to the people and places that had given her so much in life, that she could help, support and be kind in times someone needs it. Only if someone went and told her that all the breaks she spent working, every single day every little effort would all give results one day. She wouldn’t have believed you!
As I end my teens today, I feel so glad that I experienced these years and I hope and pray that I can give back to the universe all the love and life I have received. Miles to go :)